“The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.”
Tony Blair
Your life is based in decisions, most of the time the decision involve others. The question that usually arise is, should I say Yes or NO? and many times without thinking the answer is yes, leaving the consequences to the future.
However, is it really the future in charge of your decisions? Nope, your decisions are your decisions and you need to be responsable for them, so next time you are ask for something, I invite you to think twice before you say YES.
Do you find yourself saying Yes more than No?
Since we were little we have been taught to please everyone and to not be “selfish” thinking about ourselves was not an option. As a result we did not learn to love ourselves and to use the word NO to save us from some uncomfortable situations. Making others happy was the goal.
Check this list and find if these feeling apply to you:
Fear of not being included: by a group, by your friend, your partner, your family and children.
Feeling invaluable: you feel a urge to help all the time without measuring the consequences, because every time you do something for some one and they give you something back that is an award for you.
Feeling guilty: you do not want to make others feel bad. And you do not want to feel bad about yourself either, “If I don’t do it, I’m a bad friend,” “I’m a selfish or a bad person if I don’t help.”
Not feeling enough: you fill yourself with lots of compromises, because being overload make you feel responsable and a good caregiver.
Avoid conflict: Many of us are afraid of conflict. We don’t like others to be angry with us or critical of us. We therefore avoid saying “no” when we are afraid that it will put us into conflict with someone else, whether that someone is an intimate partner, a colleague or friend, or a supervisor or boss. Many of us also try to avoid battles with our children, because we feel that if we say “no” to them, they will stop loving us.
Kristin Wong: let us know also why we need to learn to say No more often.
These are some simple steps you can use to learn easy yourself from difficult commitments, saying no is also an expression of love:
- Stop, slow down and before you say YES, don’t compromise your being with things that don’t bring you satisfaction or joy, don’t do things just for commitment or to make someone else happy.
- You are first, remember when you travel by plane, who puts on the mask first? if you don’t take care of yourself – who will take care of you?
- Free yourself from conditioning, subtract importance to the comments of others about you. What matters is your own approval.
- Say NO to criticism, to judge and reproach.
- Be a guide, no a servant.
- Allow them to try by themselves, avoid to control the results.
- Evaluate whether is worth it or not losing your peace and harmony when you say YES instead of no.
- Improve your communications skills.
- Learn to love yourself.
In my work as a therapist over the years, I have certainly seen plenty of people that compromise their happiness with others because they do not have the capacity to see that saying no is another way to express love, love for themselves and others, usually they ended with lots of burden and unsatisfactory relationships.
I invite you to practice the simple steps above and feel free to comment your results. Remember loving yourself is the best way to accomplish everything in life, wishing you well!
LOVE IS THE ANSWER
-Cristina Toro
